Just about a year ago I started a blog. It began with me wanting to have a voice and evolved into notions regarding truth and honesty. Renewal and forgiveness. Integrity and pride. It has been my catharsis and will continue to be that way, whether I write twice in one week or once a month. It has been my way to cut open my heart and my mind and see all the tiny parts inside that make it beat and feel, think and learn. I wasn't expecting to fix myself, I don't think I necessarily need fixing, however I was trying to learn more about myself through my words and to grow into a better person. I wanted to learn how I operate. Why do I do the things that I do. I was also attempting to allow others into my world and to get to know me and to see who I am as a person. I think I accomplished this, at least to those who were open and willing to get to know me and so if anyone is reading this, Thank you. I still have a long way to go, but I think I am headed in the right direction.
I've learned a lot about myself. For one, It has taken me a long time to get used to the fact that I can't please everyone. Some people will just dislike you but all you have to really worry about is liking yourself, which I am afraid from my observation doesn't happen much in our culture. Body image has gotten a tad out of control and social media hasn't helped much. for instance, Facebook I believe is the devil. It has become our playground for getting recognition from others. No matter how many pictures of yourself you post and how many likes you receive, at the end of the day, if you didn't like yourself before that underwear or gym shot your still not going to like yourself tomorrow. Within the gay culture, the gym has become less about being healthy for one's benefit and more about proving to others just how "masculine" one can be. Fortunately, I wasn't around when being gay meant having to form underground clubs and so happy that after high school doing things just to prove I wasn't a "queer" began to fade. We have come such a long way that it sickens me to see so many gay men in one way or another self-hating themselves. I have body image issues as do most people but I'm not out to prove anything. I have a name, it is Craig. Not Bro or Man. We are incredibly complicated. I mean lately I've been surprised by so many people's behavior to the point where I am stopped dead in my tracks and I think, "really, did that just happen?" I have a fascination with Psychology so maybe I read too much into people's behavior but sometimes I want to ask someone (sometimes by force, with my hands around his or her neck) and say, "What the hell is wrong with you?" Not to say sometimes I say those words to myself now and then, but despite some others I am open to changing myself for the better.
I've learned that I have to do a better job in letting go of the past. I have a hard time accepting that people just come and go out of our lives. Of course there are people that I don't necessarily want to see again but for them to just become a distant memory saddens me. When I become friends with someone, when I am intimate with someone, or when I just have a meaningful conversation with someone they become a part of my being. We learn everyday about ourselves through our interactions with others. What makes me fearful are those who choose not to learn from their bad behavior or are too afraid to make the choices they know are right, for fear of loneliness or judgment. I'm sad knowing there are people I have become close to that I may never see again because I couldn't give them what they wanted or they couldn't give me what I wanted and so we do the inevitable, "maybe I'll see you around" thing.
I've learned that I have fear inside me that goes so deep I lose myself in illusion. I lose myself in what is not real and what I wish could be real. I fear I will never get the things that I want out of life and not leaving a legacy behind, but that goes hand in hand with not letting go of my past, because it's the past that coincidentally blinds us from seeing what can be achieved in our lives. Remaining hopeful is my only remedy to put all of my fears at bay and realizing that I may not get what I want out of life. So many of us don't. That wasn't intended to be pessimistic, but realistic. After all, that saying about making lemonade out of lemons is pretty damn important.
Mostly, I have learned that I matter. That's pride in a nutshell. It's virtue not vanity that keeps our spirit cleansed and what defends us from hating ourselves and each other.
Thursday, June 6, 2013
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
Paris
Just about everyone warned me that it was too soon to go on a vacation with someone I had only been dating a couple of months. My first thought was the same, but who in their right mind would turn down a trip to Paris and with a man whom I find so incredibly sexy. Every time I'm single it's the same routine. I tell my friends I'm going to take time off from dating followed by a few rolled eyes from them and then a week later I am back on some stupid site talking to a bunch of guys hoping this time I'll meet someone worth my time. This is of course while I am on countless dates that you just wish you could get out of. There's always one guy in particular who I speak to that I always feel is out of my league and I begin chopping myself down. There was one time I took this guy on a date and spent over 100.00 on dinner just to impress him and never heard from him again, which would have been fine if he hadn't expressed to me after how much of a great time he had followed by a pretty hot make out session. I'm naïve I suppose. In Paris, we went out to a few gays bars one night and a guy was going on and on about how hot he thought I was. His friend then asked him as I was buying a drink (Rhum et Coca), "Do you like him?" His response was, "Hell No."
So to be dating someone who I once again felt was too good for me and to have him ask me to go to Paris with him was a dream. I had spent the last three months trying to do everything right that I began to lose myself. I got so wrapped up in trying to be perfect for someone that I forgot the whole point of being with someone, worth being with, is that there shouldn't be any work involved. I struggle with such body issues that I sometimes cannot comprehend why some guys want to be with me which is what I felt like with him. Nothing is more valuable in this world than realizing your own self worth. Unlike other things in this world, it's something that cannot be taken away from you at least not if you don't allow it to. No one should ever have that much power over you that you question your self worth. There were times in bed when he would look at me so intensely and I thought to myself, what does he see that I can't? It is also those times prior to our trip that I miss.
Some people have no time for love. I don't understand this. When everything fails in life, if I have the love of someone, than I am completely at peace. I really don't see how anything can be more valuable in life than knowing that there is one person out there capable of putting out all of your fears and insecurities. Someone who you know when they look at you they see all the beauty in the world.
I imagined romantic strolls through the city, getting lost in its beauty. Paris is the perfect city to get lost in. Behind every corner is another café, statue, or park to experience. I imagined kissing on bridges and sharing fatty delicious pastries. Getting caught in the rain. I imagined disappearing into the lights at night and drifting away to the sound of soft guitar strings and violins, smelling sweet crepes on my journey. But within this fantasy was the hard smack of reality. I wasn't living in a fantasy. I was on a trip with a man whom I'm still getting to know and whom may not have shared the same fantasies that I had.
We got into a lot of spats and probably would have gotten into more if I hadn't kept my mouth shut. It was always "what are we doing today, where are we eating, how are we getting there..." There is a right time and place to sometimes say how you really feel and being in a foreign city with someone whom you are sharing this experience with was not the time to burst out in tears and say WTF! Why are you making this trip that I have always wanted to take with someone I care about so unromantic? Why are you making me feel dumb and completely inadequate? Where is the man that I've been excited to see every weekend for the past three months? I felt it was better to just agree and do what was suggested.
At one point during our trip we visited not only the Louvre but also a much smaller museum called Musee de l'Orangerie where I had the opportunity to get lost in Monet's painting Les Nympheas or Water Lilies. It was mesmerizing. I felt like I could have dived right into the painting and taken a swim. I could have floated alone in the water at night smelling flowers and listening to only the sound of crickets and running water with only the light of the moon and the stars above me. Just like this painting, from far away, everything becomes clear, so was my realization that it was possible I was fooling myself in thinking him and I wanted the same things or just that RIGHT NOW I wanted those things alone.
There is that saying that a picture is worth a thousand words but a picture can also be misleading. When I returned home everyone said, "It looks like you had a wonderful time." And yes, some times were wonderful, but other times, I may have been smiling in a photo, but really I was on the verge of breaking down. Was my trip entirely ruined? Absolutely not. I'm pretty good at reading people and despite the times it was evident we weren't going to last. There were times when I wanted to just freeze time and stay in a moment just a little bit longer. Every kiss, touch, gesture that made me feel I was his made my heart beat faster and I was proud that I was with him. What I take from this trip and most importantly this short relationship is that I don't give myself enough credit and I have got to stop chopping myself down and thinking some people are out of my league.
I also have to learn how to be alone and be happy. It gets harder and harder giving away my heart hoping this time it'll be the last time only to have to start from scratch time and time again. There are bridges in Paris over the Seine River that are covered in locks from lovers symbolizing their everlasting love. I wondered, as I gazed through the swarm of locks, how many of these relationships were still alive and how many should be unlocked and fall into the bottom of the river never to be seen again? It is a pessimistic thought but one that I couldn't help thinking as I began to feel that once again I was in a relationship with the wrong guy. I also giggled to myself considering here I was in the most romantic city in the world and I am feeling this way. Should I just not go on a vacation with a bf anymore since everyone in the past 5 years have all ended afterwards?
But as they say in French C'est la vie. After all I am thankful for the chance to have seen so much and I am thankful for the moments with him that caused me to smile so hard that my face hurt. I am thankful for Paris.
So to be dating someone who I once again felt was too good for me and to have him ask me to go to Paris with him was a dream. I had spent the last three months trying to do everything right that I began to lose myself. I got so wrapped up in trying to be perfect for someone that I forgot the whole point of being with someone, worth being with, is that there shouldn't be any work involved. I struggle with such body issues that I sometimes cannot comprehend why some guys want to be with me which is what I felt like with him. Nothing is more valuable in this world than realizing your own self worth. Unlike other things in this world, it's something that cannot be taken away from you at least not if you don't allow it to. No one should ever have that much power over you that you question your self worth. There were times in bed when he would look at me so intensely and I thought to myself, what does he see that I can't? It is also those times prior to our trip that I miss.
Some people have no time for love. I don't understand this. When everything fails in life, if I have the love of someone, than I am completely at peace. I really don't see how anything can be more valuable in life than knowing that there is one person out there capable of putting out all of your fears and insecurities. Someone who you know when they look at you they see all the beauty in the world.
I imagined romantic strolls through the city, getting lost in its beauty. Paris is the perfect city to get lost in. Behind every corner is another café, statue, or park to experience. I imagined kissing on bridges and sharing fatty delicious pastries. Getting caught in the rain. I imagined disappearing into the lights at night and drifting away to the sound of soft guitar strings and violins, smelling sweet crepes on my journey. But within this fantasy was the hard smack of reality. I wasn't living in a fantasy. I was on a trip with a man whom I'm still getting to know and whom may not have shared the same fantasies that I had.
We got into a lot of spats and probably would have gotten into more if I hadn't kept my mouth shut. It was always "what are we doing today, where are we eating, how are we getting there..." There is a right time and place to sometimes say how you really feel and being in a foreign city with someone whom you are sharing this experience with was not the time to burst out in tears and say WTF! Why are you making this trip that I have always wanted to take with someone I care about so unromantic? Why are you making me feel dumb and completely inadequate? Where is the man that I've been excited to see every weekend for the past three months? I felt it was better to just agree and do what was suggested.
At one point during our trip we visited not only the Louvre but also a much smaller museum called Musee de l'Orangerie where I had the opportunity to get lost in Monet's painting Les Nympheas or Water Lilies. It was mesmerizing. I felt like I could have dived right into the painting and taken a swim. I could have floated alone in the water at night smelling flowers and listening to only the sound of crickets and running water with only the light of the moon and the stars above me. Just like this painting, from far away, everything becomes clear, so was my realization that it was possible I was fooling myself in thinking him and I wanted the same things or just that RIGHT NOW I wanted those things alone.
There is that saying that a picture is worth a thousand words but a picture can also be misleading. When I returned home everyone said, "It looks like you had a wonderful time." And yes, some times were wonderful, but other times, I may have been smiling in a photo, but really I was on the verge of breaking down. Was my trip entirely ruined? Absolutely not. I'm pretty good at reading people and despite the times it was evident we weren't going to last. There were times when I wanted to just freeze time and stay in a moment just a little bit longer. Every kiss, touch, gesture that made me feel I was his made my heart beat faster and I was proud that I was with him. What I take from this trip and most importantly this short relationship is that I don't give myself enough credit and I have got to stop chopping myself down and thinking some people are out of my league.
I also have to learn how to be alone and be happy. It gets harder and harder giving away my heart hoping this time it'll be the last time only to have to start from scratch time and time again. There are bridges in Paris over the Seine River that are covered in locks from lovers symbolizing their everlasting love. I wondered, as I gazed through the swarm of locks, how many of these relationships were still alive and how many should be unlocked and fall into the bottom of the river never to be seen again? It is a pessimistic thought but one that I couldn't help thinking as I began to feel that once again I was in a relationship with the wrong guy. I also giggled to myself considering here I was in the most romantic city in the world and I am feeling this way. Should I just not go on a vacation with a bf anymore since everyone in the past 5 years have all ended afterwards?
But as they say in French C'est la vie. After all I am thankful for the chance to have seen so much and I am thankful for the moments with him that caused me to smile so hard that my face hurt. I am thankful for Paris.
Thursday, April 4, 2013
"You Should Have Killed Yourself, Queer" Part II
I walked into highschool thinking about what crazy rumors could have been spread about my absence and wasn't surprised to find out someone had said I had tried slitting my wrists in the men's room. My initial thought was, "I should have wrapped bandages around my wrists and went with it." Not because I had a morbid sense of humor but I thought maybe it would make people feel sorry for me. I was desperate for people to stop riding my back.
I recieved a note second period that said I needed to go to our priest's office. He was a nice older man in a wheelchair and he didn't make me feel intimidated or nervous at all. I was used to priests in my elementary school being very strict and quite scary though of course I was younger and fearful of any type of authority figure. As a child who attended a Catholic School we were required to go to confession as a class, I think every term or something. I don't remember. I do remember being terrified of forgetting the Act of Contrition or simply stating to the priest that I didn't have any sins to report. I always went behind a screen and mostly I'd make up things like, "I cursed at my mom" or "I talked back to my teacher" There was however that one time I stole money from my mom so I could buy her a bouquet of flowers for Mother's Day....that cost me at least 4 Hail Mary's and a few Our Father's.
He took me into a very small office. I don't think it could have been defined as an office. It felt more like an interrogation room, except maybe it just felt that way because I was terrfied. I don't remember what we spoke about except for him asking me if I thought I was gay. I stuttered for a moment and replied, "No I am not." I was sweating underneath my clothes and my face felt beet red and I thought, "Can he tell I am lying?" What he said to me was, "Wow, usually boys run out the door when I ask that question." I didn't know what he meant by that. Did they usually bring guys into a room and ask them if they are homosexuals? If so, what if they said yes? Could they throw me out of school for being gay? I always wondered what would have happened if I had just come out to my school. Would have I made it to College? Would have I survived all the torment I recieved?"
I had mentioned my locker had been vandalized before, but it wasn't spray paint or marker. I can't exactly describe what it was, except it was like sticky goo. It smelled like starbusts and had a yellow tinge to it and seeped throught the holes in my locker and made my books sticky and ruined my locker. It honestly looked like someone had eaten a bag of candy, vomited it up, and spread it on my locker. I am not kidding....is that worse than pee? Growing up in an apartment building, we had a lot of kids my age in the neighborhood who lived in my building. Two of them took it upon themselves to piss all over our door or spread chewing gum all over it. No doubt it was because I lived there.
Before my family and I moved into a private home, we lived in an apartment that had a public pool in the back. It was shared by our building and another. For the most part I remember having a lot of fun with my friends there. One year we had a very friendly lifeguard who we befriended and who I had a huuuuuge crush on. I remember all of us hanging out at the pool, eating our sunflower seeds and ice cream from the ice cream truck, listening to "Waterfalls" by TLC. Besides that I wasn't friendly with many of the boys in my apartment building. One "jokingly" held me under in the pool and another tried to light my shirt on fire as I was walking to the grocery store to pick up a few things for my mom. I wish I was making this up.
There was one time my brother and I were taking a drive back to NY to visit our mom for the holidays and I opened up to him and told him all the crap that had gone when we were younger. He was pissed that I hadn't told him, saying that he would have had him and his buddies beat up some guys. It was a nice thought but not one I ever thought about doing since I didn't want him to know what they were bullying me about. It's a scary thing when you have no one to talk to and you feel as though your only ally and your only defense is yourself. There was an incident, I remember like it was yesterday...I think we may have been in 6 or 7th grade...we were lining up in a line to leave the classroom to head home when some guy in my class, I think his name was Rob. He had a freckly face and red hair, reminded me a lot of the guy from A Christmas Story who Ralphie beat up...anyways he began making fun of me and calling me Mary which was the name a few guys made up for me. Out of nowhere this guy Michael, a bigger guy in my class, just started pounding on him. I don't know why he did it. We never spoke much and it's a shame that I never got to thank him. I found out in College that he was killed in a drunk driving accident. He wasn't drunk nor was he driving. It stung.
It was people like him that gave me hope that there were some good still in the world, even in my little world that it was. I was fearful everyday. I walked home with my earphones on to drown out taunting, I took long ways home to avoid running into anyone, and I walked very fast to get home as fast as I could. When people ask me why I walk so fast I just say it's from being a New Yorker, but it's because it became a habit. I feel as though I am made of steel emotionally. I held a huge burden on my shoulders for so long and didn't start allowing myself to be who I was until college thanks to so many incredible people. My hopes are that this story can be shared to boys and girls who are bullied for any reason and know that just like Dan Savage says, it gets better. I'm living proof of that.
I recieved a note second period that said I needed to go to our priest's office. He was a nice older man in a wheelchair and he didn't make me feel intimidated or nervous at all. I was used to priests in my elementary school being very strict and quite scary though of course I was younger and fearful of any type of authority figure. As a child who attended a Catholic School we were required to go to confession as a class, I think every term or something. I don't remember. I do remember being terrified of forgetting the Act of Contrition or simply stating to the priest that I didn't have any sins to report. I always went behind a screen and mostly I'd make up things like, "I cursed at my mom" or "I talked back to my teacher" There was however that one time I stole money from my mom so I could buy her a bouquet of flowers for Mother's Day....that cost me at least 4 Hail Mary's and a few Our Father's.
He took me into a very small office. I don't think it could have been defined as an office. It felt more like an interrogation room, except maybe it just felt that way because I was terrfied. I don't remember what we spoke about except for him asking me if I thought I was gay. I stuttered for a moment and replied, "No I am not." I was sweating underneath my clothes and my face felt beet red and I thought, "Can he tell I am lying?" What he said to me was, "Wow, usually boys run out the door when I ask that question." I didn't know what he meant by that. Did they usually bring guys into a room and ask them if they are homosexuals? If so, what if they said yes? Could they throw me out of school for being gay? I always wondered what would have happened if I had just come out to my school. Would have I made it to College? Would have I survived all the torment I recieved?"
I had mentioned my locker had been vandalized before, but it wasn't spray paint or marker. I can't exactly describe what it was, except it was like sticky goo. It smelled like starbusts and had a yellow tinge to it and seeped throught the holes in my locker and made my books sticky and ruined my locker. It honestly looked like someone had eaten a bag of candy, vomited it up, and spread it on my locker. I am not kidding....is that worse than pee? Growing up in an apartment building, we had a lot of kids my age in the neighborhood who lived in my building. Two of them took it upon themselves to piss all over our door or spread chewing gum all over it. No doubt it was because I lived there.
Before my family and I moved into a private home, we lived in an apartment that had a public pool in the back. It was shared by our building and another. For the most part I remember having a lot of fun with my friends there. One year we had a very friendly lifeguard who we befriended and who I had a huuuuuge crush on. I remember all of us hanging out at the pool, eating our sunflower seeds and ice cream from the ice cream truck, listening to "Waterfalls" by TLC. Besides that I wasn't friendly with many of the boys in my apartment building. One "jokingly" held me under in the pool and another tried to light my shirt on fire as I was walking to the grocery store to pick up a few things for my mom. I wish I was making this up.
There was one time my brother and I were taking a drive back to NY to visit our mom for the holidays and I opened up to him and told him all the crap that had gone when we were younger. He was pissed that I hadn't told him, saying that he would have had him and his buddies beat up some guys. It was a nice thought but not one I ever thought about doing since I didn't want him to know what they were bullying me about. It's a scary thing when you have no one to talk to and you feel as though your only ally and your only defense is yourself. There was an incident, I remember like it was yesterday...I think we may have been in 6 or 7th grade...we were lining up in a line to leave the classroom to head home when some guy in my class, I think his name was Rob. He had a freckly face and red hair, reminded me a lot of the guy from A Christmas Story who Ralphie beat up...anyways he began making fun of me and calling me Mary which was the name a few guys made up for me. Out of nowhere this guy Michael, a bigger guy in my class, just started pounding on him. I don't know why he did it. We never spoke much and it's a shame that I never got to thank him. I found out in College that he was killed in a drunk driving accident. He wasn't drunk nor was he driving. It stung.
It was people like him that gave me hope that there were some good still in the world, even in my little world that it was. I was fearful everyday. I walked home with my earphones on to drown out taunting, I took long ways home to avoid running into anyone, and I walked very fast to get home as fast as I could. When people ask me why I walk so fast I just say it's from being a New Yorker, but it's because it became a habit. I feel as though I am made of steel emotionally. I held a huge burden on my shoulders for so long and didn't start allowing myself to be who I was until college thanks to so many incredible people. My hopes are that this story can be shared to boys and girls who are bullied for any reason and know that just like Dan Savage says, it gets better. I'm living proof of that.
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Love + Sex = ?
I've never been one to debate. I'm not good at it. I have my values and my beliefs and that is all. To say I am easily persuaded is incorrect but I am open to change. I can't push my beliefs on to others, because beliefs typically come from experience. Experience brought to us by our environments, internal and external. Therefore, how can I tell someone what they believe is wrong, if I have not experienced what they have experienced? So you can have your beliefs and I will have mine, however when your beliefs determine how I get to live my life and my inherent freedoms are at risk, that is wrong.
Love is love. It isn't black and white. It isn't even gray. Love should be defined by no borders. For the longest time I was set that when I fell in love I wouldn't want to be physical with any other man. I believed it was wrong, but I couldn't back it up nor do I have the right to say to any couple that having an open relationship is wrong. I do believe that love is either said too much or not enough at all. I believe that some are afraid to open themselves up to it, while others don't understand what it means to really be in love with another. People always throw around words like love is work, love is hard, love isn't always laughter and smiles...yadda yadda...yea that may all be true, but more than that love is truth. It's being true to yourself and it is being true to your partner.
If I promised my boyfriend or husband that I will always be true to him...what does that mean? It means that him and I would have no secrets, it doesn't mean that I won't sleep with another, unless we both BELIEVED it was wrong. If my boyfriend said to me, I don't want you to sleep around" and I agree and I abide by that then I am being true to him and to our relationship. If I lied then the relationship isn't set on values that a relationship should be set upon.
The saying men are men is irrelevant. Human beings are human beings. We have needs and desires. Some human beings are content with having sex with one person his whole life and others are not. I'd be a hypocrite if I told someone that having an open relationship is disgusting. If two men, two women, a man and a woman, decide they want to have an agreement of some sort that allows them to "play" with others but their love for one another remains true then so be it. I believe sex can be just sex, but I also believe that sex with the person you are in love with is by far the best sex you can have, because there are no veils, facades, secrets. Your heart is open and vulnerable and there is no fear, this is how I choose to love.
I can't say that I am 100% for it or against it. The truth is every action has a reaction and therefore I know that if I decide to have an open relationship with someone I have to be open to the possibility I could potentially lose that person. With that being said, if the love is true than I am comfortable with putting my faith in just us.
I believe some people just stay in relationships because of fear. They cheat on the side because they are not brave enough to do what they know is right nor do they want to upset his or her's entire world and for some that is good enough. I am not one of those people. I may not always be true to myself, but I try so very hard to never let anyone change my beliefs. My beliefs though ARE beginning to change, but of my own free will. I think it is because I am knowing myself better. I am becoming more secure with myself and I am less afraid of the unknown. The truth is it allows me to love truer and greater than I thought I could.
I sat at home writing this blog because of two things. My own personal experiences and because of what is happening in the US today with DOMA and Prop 8. I was having dualing thoughts, the wrong of my nation to deny me equal rights and the wrong of myself to push judgement on other couples. One clearly is a much larger issue than the other but as I was heated up about DOMA & Prop 8, I realized how much of a fraud I was being for passing judgment on my own friends or any couple for that matter on subjects that I am always conversing about, thinking I know it all. Because I nor our government know shit.
Love is love. It isn't black and white. It isn't even gray. Love should be defined by no borders. For the longest time I was set that when I fell in love I wouldn't want to be physical with any other man. I believed it was wrong, but I couldn't back it up nor do I have the right to say to any couple that having an open relationship is wrong. I do believe that love is either said too much or not enough at all. I believe that some are afraid to open themselves up to it, while others don't understand what it means to really be in love with another. People always throw around words like love is work, love is hard, love isn't always laughter and smiles...yadda yadda...yea that may all be true, but more than that love is truth. It's being true to yourself and it is being true to your partner.
If I promised my boyfriend or husband that I will always be true to him...what does that mean? It means that him and I would have no secrets, it doesn't mean that I won't sleep with another, unless we both BELIEVED it was wrong. If my boyfriend said to me, I don't want you to sleep around" and I agree and I abide by that then I am being true to him and to our relationship. If I lied then the relationship isn't set on values that a relationship should be set upon.
The saying men are men is irrelevant. Human beings are human beings. We have needs and desires. Some human beings are content with having sex with one person his whole life and others are not. I'd be a hypocrite if I told someone that having an open relationship is disgusting. If two men, two women, a man and a woman, decide they want to have an agreement of some sort that allows them to "play" with others but their love for one another remains true then so be it. I believe sex can be just sex, but I also believe that sex with the person you are in love with is by far the best sex you can have, because there are no veils, facades, secrets. Your heart is open and vulnerable and there is no fear, this is how I choose to love.
I can't say that I am 100% for it or against it. The truth is every action has a reaction and therefore I know that if I decide to have an open relationship with someone I have to be open to the possibility I could potentially lose that person. With that being said, if the love is true than I am comfortable with putting my faith in just us.
I believe some people just stay in relationships because of fear. They cheat on the side because they are not brave enough to do what they know is right nor do they want to upset his or her's entire world and for some that is good enough. I am not one of those people. I may not always be true to myself, but I try so very hard to never let anyone change my beliefs. My beliefs though ARE beginning to change, but of my own free will. I think it is because I am knowing myself better. I am becoming more secure with myself and I am less afraid of the unknown. The truth is it allows me to love truer and greater than I thought I could.
I sat at home writing this blog because of two things. My own personal experiences and because of what is happening in the US today with DOMA and Prop 8. I was having dualing thoughts, the wrong of my nation to deny me equal rights and the wrong of myself to push judgement on other couples. One clearly is a much larger issue than the other but as I was heated up about DOMA & Prop 8, I realized how much of a fraud I was being for passing judgment on my own friends or any couple for that matter on subjects that I am always conversing about, thinking I know it all. Because I nor our government know shit.
Sunday, March 3, 2013
The Child Inside
So I wrote this in my journal 11/27/2001. Nothing is edited except the names.
I'm sitting in my room listening to Jewel. Her new album came out a few days ago and of course I rushed out and got it. Yesterday I found out that Tim cheated on his boyfriend Mike. Him and Mike had a long distance relationship and apparently Tim couldn't handle it or in my opinion just couldn't keep it in his pants. Mike and I are going to see Harry Potter together, but I bet you that him and Tim get back together eventually and we don't hangout anymore. It seems that I've been consoling everyone with their man problems and I don't even have a man. People seem to overlook me as a potential boyfriend. I don't understand it. I've been through almost every relationship problem there is from every angle. I know how to treat a guy and I know what my limits are now and what I want out of life, yet still I am overlooked. I am decent looking. Not ugly in anyway, yet still I am overlooked. I know someday I will meet the man of my dreams, but lately I've been sick at the type of guys I am coming in contact with and lately I feel like I wish I was straight. It just is so much easier. When did it get so hard? When did I start hating myself or the skin that I'm in? I just wish things were so different. I've been observing couples a lot more lately and feeling so jealous. I look at C and part of me wants to cry and another part wants to yell and scream at him. I never really got to tell him what I think of him and sometimes I'm afraid I may just blow up at him. Yesterday M called me he missed someone but he wouldn't tell me who, until finally he said it was Chris. Chris...not me. I just wish one really attractive guy would come up to me and say "You are the most beautiful man I have ever met and it would be an honor if you would go out with me" Well of course everyone wants that to happen. You know like I said I am pretty good at taking what fate throws at me, but when is fate going to be in my corner? I think I have a lot of learning to keep doing. I have come a long way since I started this journal though and I know one day I'll have all I want. I wonder if the man of my dreams is thinking the same thing that I am at this moment.
Twelve years ago I wrote this. Sadly I have no idea who Tim and Mike are nor do I remember if I did see Harry Potter with him and at the same time I was having breakup drama from not one but two guys. One from NY and one at college in MA. What does that say about me? Back then, I so desperately wanted to be the gay male Felicity. I was living life as if I was on some sort of teen drama. I had no concept of other people's feelings nor did I understand my own. My entire life revolved around the thought of having a boyfriend for the sake of feeling wanted. Things haven't changed much sadly until recently. I had no idea what I was talking about, thinking I knew what I wanted out of life. I have just begun knowing this. I'm embarrassed to say it took me this long to finally begin noticing that I can be dependent upon myself and the thought of meeting the right guy should come second to my own happiness. Having a man in my life would just be the cherry on top of a sundae or actually a cherry in my rum and coke. I can say without reading much into it or jinxing it that fate may have finally taken a turn in my favor and I have met someone that I see great potential in. It's uncomplicated, fun, and there's no need to analyze everything I say or do around him. It's natural and I'm enjoying myself.
I've only finally begun to believe in myself and in the potential I have. Knowing that I should give myself more credit then I typically do. The one belief I still have from back then is the fact that I wont ever stop learning or growing. Every experience I have becomes another brick in what I would consider my internal home. One that currently is missing just a few shutters and a complete roof.
I still stress over the smallest things, but never for long. I think...no I know, that it all comes from my parents and the fact that I am terrified to end up like them. I am terrified of making bad financial decisions, having a husband cheat on me, and looking back on life (as I am sure my mom does) and regretting decisions I have made. I am terrified of dying and never have lived. But too worry about these things everyday only prevents me from living. I struggle with having a no warranty on my life. I want too much out of it.
I was riding the T yesterday and was observing a father with his young daughter. She must have been 9 or 10. The dialogue between the two of them was more like a teacher and student. Everything he said to her was so logical and detailed. For instance, he was discussing with her the fact that he didn't understand why the conductor never tells the passengers how long stand by will be and his daughter responded "Yes father I think that the passengers would appreciate that." He was also telling her where to stand as one part of the train has more stable than another. I mean really....come on. Maybe you had to be there but let the kid be a kid. He was the type of father who would explain to his daughter the dangers of playgrounds instead of letting her play and fall and scrape her knee for herself. Not so much over-protective but so logical then she would never have an imagination.
I used to believe that I had the power to turn street lights green instead of red, that my stuffed animals would protect me from any danger while I was sleeping, that magic was real. I guess I was so angry at this father and daughter discussion because I know, as we all do, just how hard life will get and that eventually our imaginations as children leave and everything becomes maybe just too logical. Every year life just gets maybe a little bit harder and I felt sad for this child. I mean even once in awhile just too keep my childlike indulgences alive, I will stare at an object long enough believing I can make it move. I'm not crazy, clearly I know it will never happen, but it keeps bits and pieces of my childlike behavior alive and we should never lose that.
So 13 years ago I had created a journal that I kept writing in for about 3 years. 112 pages of fights with friends, breakups, crushes, parental issues, death, fears, and times in my life that I will always remember. I went through phases of being grunge and goth. Wearing those dreaded Jnco jeans and thinking I was such a cool punk. Pretending to love anything just because everyone else thought it was cool. You know doing the stupid shit that teenagers do. So finding this journal and reading entries from so many years ago I was happy to know clearly I've grown and can see the world on a much larger scale instead of being so self involved and believing every little thing was the end of the world. Sadly however, I know some people my age who still behave this way. So although most people would say, "Well yea clearly you have grown in 13 years" some people never do.
So there is this internal scale that each one of us must learn to balance. One where we don't let our imaginations perish and we become too rigid and logical vs watching the world around us pass us by because we don't want to face reality. One where we keep hold of our teenage mindsets, the optimism and the "I am untouchable complex" and our vast indulgences in ourselves vs being too self involved and knowing that some things just are the way they are.
I'm sitting in my room listening to Jewel. Her new album came out a few days ago and of course I rushed out and got it. Yesterday I found out that Tim cheated on his boyfriend Mike. Him and Mike had a long distance relationship and apparently Tim couldn't handle it or in my opinion just couldn't keep it in his pants. Mike and I are going to see Harry Potter together, but I bet you that him and Tim get back together eventually and we don't hangout anymore. It seems that I've been consoling everyone with their man problems and I don't even have a man. People seem to overlook me as a potential boyfriend. I don't understand it. I've been through almost every relationship problem there is from every angle. I know how to treat a guy and I know what my limits are now and what I want out of life, yet still I am overlooked. I am decent looking. Not ugly in anyway, yet still I am overlooked. I know someday I will meet the man of my dreams, but lately I've been sick at the type of guys I am coming in contact with and lately I feel like I wish I was straight. It just is so much easier. When did it get so hard? When did I start hating myself or the skin that I'm in? I just wish things were so different. I've been observing couples a lot more lately and feeling so jealous. I look at C and part of me wants to cry and another part wants to yell and scream at him. I never really got to tell him what I think of him and sometimes I'm afraid I may just blow up at him. Yesterday M called me he missed someone but he wouldn't tell me who, until finally he said it was Chris. Chris...not me. I just wish one really attractive guy would come up to me and say "You are the most beautiful man I have ever met and it would be an honor if you would go out with me" Well of course everyone wants that to happen. You know like I said I am pretty good at taking what fate throws at me, but when is fate going to be in my corner? I think I have a lot of learning to keep doing. I have come a long way since I started this journal though and I know one day I'll have all I want. I wonder if the man of my dreams is thinking the same thing that I am at this moment.
Twelve years ago I wrote this. Sadly I have no idea who Tim and Mike are nor do I remember if I did see Harry Potter with him and at the same time I was having breakup drama from not one but two guys. One from NY and one at college in MA. What does that say about me? Back then, I so desperately wanted to be the gay male Felicity. I was living life as if I was on some sort of teen drama. I had no concept of other people's feelings nor did I understand my own. My entire life revolved around the thought of having a boyfriend for the sake of feeling wanted. Things haven't changed much sadly until recently. I had no idea what I was talking about, thinking I knew what I wanted out of life. I have just begun knowing this. I'm embarrassed to say it took me this long to finally begin noticing that I can be dependent upon myself and the thought of meeting the right guy should come second to my own happiness. Having a man in my life would just be the cherry on top of a sundae or actually a cherry in my rum and coke. I can say without reading much into it or jinxing it that fate may have finally taken a turn in my favor and I have met someone that I see great potential in. It's uncomplicated, fun, and there's no need to analyze everything I say or do around him. It's natural and I'm enjoying myself.
I've only finally begun to believe in myself and in the potential I have. Knowing that I should give myself more credit then I typically do. The one belief I still have from back then is the fact that I wont ever stop learning or growing. Every experience I have becomes another brick in what I would consider my internal home. One that currently is missing just a few shutters and a complete roof.
I still stress over the smallest things, but never for long. I think...no I know, that it all comes from my parents and the fact that I am terrified to end up like them. I am terrified of making bad financial decisions, having a husband cheat on me, and looking back on life (as I am sure my mom does) and regretting decisions I have made. I am terrified of dying and never have lived. But too worry about these things everyday only prevents me from living. I struggle with having a no warranty on my life. I want too much out of it.
I was riding the T yesterday and was observing a father with his young daughter. She must have been 9 or 10. The dialogue between the two of them was more like a teacher and student. Everything he said to her was so logical and detailed. For instance, he was discussing with her the fact that he didn't understand why the conductor never tells the passengers how long stand by will be and his daughter responded "Yes father I think that the passengers would appreciate that." He was also telling her where to stand as one part of the train has more stable than another. I mean really....come on. Maybe you had to be there but let the kid be a kid. He was the type of father who would explain to his daughter the dangers of playgrounds instead of letting her play and fall and scrape her knee for herself. Not so much over-protective but so logical then she would never have an imagination.
I used to believe that I had the power to turn street lights green instead of red, that my stuffed animals would protect me from any danger while I was sleeping, that magic was real. I guess I was so angry at this father and daughter discussion because I know, as we all do, just how hard life will get and that eventually our imaginations as children leave and everything becomes maybe just too logical. Every year life just gets maybe a little bit harder and I felt sad for this child. I mean even once in awhile just too keep my childlike indulgences alive, I will stare at an object long enough believing I can make it move. I'm not crazy, clearly I know it will never happen, but it keeps bits and pieces of my childlike behavior alive and we should never lose that.
So 13 years ago I had created a journal that I kept writing in for about 3 years. 112 pages of fights with friends, breakups, crushes, parental issues, death, fears, and times in my life that I will always remember. I went through phases of being grunge and goth. Wearing those dreaded Jnco jeans and thinking I was such a cool punk. Pretending to love anything just because everyone else thought it was cool. You know doing the stupid shit that teenagers do. So finding this journal and reading entries from so many years ago I was happy to know clearly I've grown and can see the world on a much larger scale instead of being so self involved and believing every little thing was the end of the world. Sadly however, I know some people my age who still behave this way. So although most people would say, "Well yea clearly you have grown in 13 years" some people never do.
So there is this internal scale that each one of us must learn to balance. One where we don't let our imaginations perish and we become too rigid and logical vs watching the world around us pass us by because we don't want to face reality. One where we keep hold of our teenage mindsets, the optimism and the "I am untouchable complex" and our vast indulgences in ourselves vs being too self involved and knowing that some things just are the way they are.
Friday, January 11, 2013
I'm That Guy
I’m the guy who gets out of his car and opens the door for
you…That’s the kind of guy I am. I’m the guy who speaks up for things and is
willing to fight when need be...words or fists. The guy that will bake cookies
for you on Valentine’s day…who likes to sit in cafes and talk or write…I like
to dance around and act silly to 80s pops songs. Who sometimes likes to use
terms like gurrrrrrrl…who cries at romantic comedies and sad commercials about
abused animals…who has fantasies about his wedding and how he’d propose and how
he knows he’ll cry at his wedding…who likes to try and always look nice and
sometimes spends too much time in the mirror and sometimes doesn’t give a shit
how he looks. I’m the guy who says he’s getting fat when he weighs a healthy
weight and the guy that likes to have gag worthy things like “our song, our
restaurant, our favorite place to travel to” I’m the guy who likes to sing in
his car to songs like “I’ll Stand By You and Total Eclipse of the Heart” I’m
the guy who would kiss you even when your nose is runny and you sound like a
drag queen who has smoked for 40 years. I’m the guy who loves going to sports
games and screaming and cheering and also loves to sit quietly and watch a play
or hell maybe even a ballet. I’m the guy who would sit by your side in the
hospital all day and night and would run through rainstorms with you and warm
up with you next to a fire naked. I’d try and become interested in things you
are passionate about or just appreciate the fact that you are passionate about
them. I’m the guy who used to play with dolls as a kid and wished he was Baby
from Dirty Dancing just so he could do that dance at the end of the film. I’m
the guy who fantasizes about late nights with holding his crying baby or the Christmas
cards we would send to families and friends. I’m the guy who imagines he is
having a cup of coffee with your mom talking about you while you’re still
sleeping. I’m the guy who likes to stay healthy and is
not at all and will never be a gym rat. I'm the guy who loves watching documentaries about nature and likes to have picnics in parks. I’m the guy who believes in love,
friendships, and simple acts of kindness. I’d rather spend my days vacationing on
a tropical island and not partying at a white party. I'm not an attention getter but likes when people pay attention to me. I’m the guy who doesn’t
believe romance is dead. I’m the guy who would do really really stupid things
just to make you laugh or the guy who would back off when you needed space. Who
would do anything in his power to impress you if he loved you. I’m the guy who
would buy you a star or make you a mix tape…yea I’m that guy. I’m the guy that
screams when I see a roach but would free a spider if I found one. I’m the guy
who loves horror movies but then is sometimes afraid of the dark after. I
sometimes sleep with a stuffed animal. I’m the guy who likes to always quote movies.
Who sometimes does disgusting things like blow his nose in the shower and bite
his nails. I’m the guy who can be over dramatic or not emotional enough. I’m
the guy who has a nervous laugh when something is really awkward or tragic. I’m
the guy who wants to travel the world with you and at the same time never wants to
leave the coach with you. I’m the guy
who would do anything in his power to make you happy. I’m that guy.
…Does that make me Masculine or Feminine? or does that just
make me ME.
Thursday, January 3, 2013
Perfectly Imperfect
So it's a new year. Hopefully it'll be filled with a lot of love and wise choices for me and for all those I care about. I'm not fond of cliche, in fact, it annoys me. It devalues what used to be meaningful expressions. Correction... I guess I love cliche, but the idea that certain expressions become cliche mostly because certain expressions are taken for granted angers me. For instance, I can say I will reflect on last year and think about choices I made and make a resolution that I will make better ones in the new year and then in a month or so go back to my normal everyday life and the feeling of a clean slate will once again become tarnished. But as cliche as reflection and resolutions are, I don't feel that it should lose the value of its purpose. We should reflect on the past year and our lives in general and try and make better choices and be better people in the new year and maybe our resolutions won't last, but cheers for giving it a good shot.
The events in Newtown CT struck me to the core, like it did for almost everyone with a heart. I can't think about those families without welling up and feeling such intense sorrow for all of them. One of the parents were interviewed by Katie Couric and the mother said that she felt sorry for Adam Lanza. She said she couldn't imagine what a dark and evil place he must have gone too and that she was sad that that is where he was. This mother whose child was murdered could say words like these. I cried for the pain they were feeling and I cried for the strength that she and her husband must have to be able to let anger and hatred go for a man who could kill their beautiful child. Could I ever be that strong? I hope and pray I never have to suffer from the loss of a child and in such a despairing way. I hope that I can have the sort of strength this family and all the others have. When I think that these children will never feel what it is to be in love with another, to have their first kiss, to graduate from college, etc. I can only reflect on not what I haven't experienced but what I have been grateful to have experienced.
What better day to experience Deja Vu than on New Years Day. I was taking a beautiful walk at Broadmoor Wildlife Sanctuary, taking in the beauty and calm of nature and enjoying the company that I was with, when all of a sudden I had that feeling that I had been here once before. I always find comfort in that feeling. My take on Deja Vu is that it is the world's way of telling me that I am on the right path in my life. Maybe I had been here before in another life and by experiencing it all over again I am right where I belong. Just like the power of prayer and the belief in God comforts people, whether it be real or not, if something comforts you and gives you hope then in my eyes it is amazing. It is worth feeling. I believe that all that I search for and all the questions I need answers to will come in time and I need to live in the moment and relish in all the things that I have that really should mean something to me.
We always want more and more and more and we always lose sight of what we have right in front of us. We lose sight of what necessities we have that others do not and many times we brag about the things that are not necessities. In my own life, I lose sight of the idea that I have power over my own life and that the choices I make are MY choices and I am the only one to blame for its consequences. With that being said I am making a promise to myself to stick with my ideologies and maybe tweak my way of thinking about certain things. Things that I am fearful and anxious of. Things that consume my mind. Most of all stop worrying about my insecurities and knowing that no one is perfect and saying to myself that I am perfectly imperfect. I am who I am supposed to be and some of it may not be pretty, but I am perfect just the same.
The events in Newtown CT struck me to the core, like it did for almost everyone with a heart. I can't think about those families without welling up and feeling such intense sorrow for all of them. One of the parents were interviewed by Katie Couric and the mother said that she felt sorry for Adam Lanza. She said she couldn't imagine what a dark and evil place he must have gone too and that she was sad that that is where he was. This mother whose child was murdered could say words like these. I cried for the pain they were feeling and I cried for the strength that she and her husband must have to be able to let anger and hatred go for a man who could kill their beautiful child. Could I ever be that strong? I hope and pray I never have to suffer from the loss of a child and in such a despairing way. I hope that I can have the sort of strength this family and all the others have. When I think that these children will never feel what it is to be in love with another, to have their first kiss, to graduate from college, etc. I can only reflect on not what I haven't experienced but what I have been grateful to have experienced.
What better day to experience Deja Vu than on New Years Day. I was taking a beautiful walk at Broadmoor Wildlife Sanctuary, taking in the beauty and calm of nature and enjoying the company that I was with, when all of a sudden I had that feeling that I had been here once before. I always find comfort in that feeling. My take on Deja Vu is that it is the world's way of telling me that I am on the right path in my life. Maybe I had been here before in another life and by experiencing it all over again I am right where I belong. Just like the power of prayer and the belief in God comforts people, whether it be real or not, if something comforts you and gives you hope then in my eyes it is amazing. It is worth feeling. I believe that all that I search for and all the questions I need answers to will come in time and I need to live in the moment and relish in all the things that I have that really should mean something to me.
We always want more and more and more and we always lose sight of what we have right in front of us. We lose sight of what necessities we have that others do not and many times we brag about the things that are not necessities. In my own life, I lose sight of the idea that I have power over my own life and that the choices I make are MY choices and I am the only one to blame for its consequences. With that being said I am making a promise to myself to stick with my ideologies and maybe tweak my way of thinking about certain things. Things that I am fearful and anxious of. Things that consume my mind. Most of all stop worrying about my insecurities and knowing that no one is perfect and saying to myself that I am perfectly imperfect. I am who I am supposed to be and some of it may not be pretty, but I am perfect just the same.
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